Embrace the And: Holding Conflicting Feelings at the Same Time
One of the most courageous acts in life is learning to hold two, or more, seemingly opposite emotions at once. It's a practice that doesn’t often get taught or encouraged, yet it’s at the heart of emotional intelligence, resilience, and authentic living. Life isn’t neat and tidy—it’s messy, layered, complicated, and full of complexity. And so are we.
Find the And
We live in a culture that loves certainty and simplicity. We want to know whether something is good or bad, right or wrong, joyful or painful. This is described by the cognitive distortion “all-or-nothing-thinking,” also referred to as “black-and-white-thinking.” But human experiences rarely fall into neat categories. Grief can be have an underpinning of gratitude. Excitement can be entangled with fear. We might feel relieved and heartbroken in the same breath. There is a critical, authentic gradience and variance in our emotional response to life.
When I work with clients, I often hear people mention mixed feelings that sound a little like this: “I feel hopeful but scared,” or, “I feel grateful but annoyed.” I pause them and ask them to replace “but” with “and.” This is adjacent to all-or-nothing thinking in that it creates a contradiction with the use of the word “but,” which naturally emphasis what comes after the “but,” and can unintentionally negate what came before. However, the use of and allows for more than one emotion to be present. It honors the wholeness of what it is to be a human with a wide variety of emotions.
In the movie, Inside Out 2, there is a great scene of the relationship between “opposite” emotions and the shared space between them. The character named Sadness needed to go down to Riley’s core memories (if you haven’t seen the movie this might sounds weird, but stick with me). Sadness is scared to go so Joy agrees to go with Sadness, saying, as she takes Sadness’ hand, “Where you go, I will go.” This is the complexity of human emotions. To have joy, is to also have sadness, and vis versa. It’s joy and sadness.
This emotional dissonance can be uncomfortable. Our minds crave clarity, so when we feel conflicting emotions, we may try to choose one and push the other away. We might feel guilty for being happy during a hard time, or ashamed for feeling sadness in a moment of success. These inner battles often lead to emotional suppression, confusion, self-judgment or internal conflict.
Make Room for All Your Emotions
Learning to hold conflicting feelings is a mark of emotional depth. It means we’re connected to the full scope of our humanity. When we allow ourselves to feel everything we’re actually feeling, without rushing to fix, hide, or explain it away, we honor the complexity of life and our honest response to it. We can cultivate greater self-compassion.
When I work with clients, I often hear people mention mixed feelings that sound a little like this: “i feel hopeful but scared,” or, “I feel grateful but annoyed.” I pause them right there and ask them to replace “but” with “and.”
This capacity builds empathy. When we accept the complexities in ourselves, we become better at accepting it in others. It helps us stay grounded during change, uncertainty, or loss. And it keeps us open to growth, because we’re not forcing ourselves into emotional boxes that no longer fit.
How to Practice Holding Two Emotions, or More Than Two
Embrace the AND: Name what you’re feeling. Use language that captures “and” realities—“I’m heartbroken and grateful,” “I’m anxious and hopeful,” “I’m ready and scared.” Naming it creates space for both emotions to coexist.
Breathe into the tension: When emotions feel contradictory, they can create internal pressure. Pause, breathe, and let your body help you hold the discomfort.
Let go of judgment: Remind yourself that conflicting feelings are not wrong—they’re real, natural. The goal isn’t to resolve them, but to allow them to sit beside each other. One doesn't negate the other, nor does it make you wrong or broken—it’s natural. It’s human.
Talk it out: Sharing your mixed emotions with someone safe can normalize the experience. Often, just being heard helps ease the intensity.
Embrace the “and.” Allow yourself to honor all of your feelings…”I’m feeling sad and relieved.” I’m feeling hopeful and scared.”
Holding conflicting feelings is not about finding balance in the traditional sense—it’s about making room for all that is true. It’s choosing wholeness over resolution, honesty over avoidance. In the messiness of being human, this practice helps us stay present, compassionate, and fully authentic.
