How I Survive and Sometimes Thrive in this Military Lifestyle
Hi, I’m Amber! I’ve been a military spouse since 2019. Since then, we’ve been through 3 cross-country moves (2 of which occurred in the same year) and 3 back-to-back deployments. As someone who has struggled off and on with depression my entire life, I knew entering this lifestyle I would need extra support to take care of my own mental health. These are just a few of the things that I credit for getting me through.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a mental health provider. These are the things that helped me and are not necessarily prescriptive. Each person has to figure out what works for them!
Get outside!
There is something about sunshine and vitamin D that breathes life into you. I try to make it a point to get outside for at least a few minutes every single day. In an ideal world, I’d go outside, barefoot for at least a few minutes each morning, but that only happens about 10% of the time.
Most days it looks like 5-10 minute breaks outside during my workday, making a point to put down my phone or computer to eat lunch outside undistracted or turning the bubble machine on outside while my kiddo plays. In the early days I would literally just lay a blanket in the grass and sit there while she crawled around.
On wet and rainy days that sometimes means standing in my garage with the door open or sitting in a camping chair under the tiny sliver of our front patio that’s covered. When it’s really cold and I don’t feel like bundling up, I’ll sit by a window with sun coming in and open it just a bit to let fresh air blow threw while I hide under my pink, cozy, throw blanket.
Build a village.
Imagine this, your spouse gets a text from someone in his command that says “Hey my wife says she needs friends while we’re here, especially since we aren’t going to be available very much. She’s hosting a brunch at our place on Saturday at 9 am for any spouses who want to join. Let me know if you want more info.”
Now imagine showing up to this house to find a woman 7 months pregnant, desperate to build community before the next season of military insanity + life with a newborn baby begins. You walk into the delicious smells of waffles, fruit, bacon and just about any other type of breakfast you can imagine. Over the next couple of hours you sit around a table with 9 other women you’ve just met, all with different stories who are about to walk through the same season of their spouse being gone as you.
That woman was me. Having struggled with depression previously, with a full understanding that my husband was about to be working 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week, I KNEW I could not do it alone. I had a feeling other people were feeling the same way. My hunch was correct. Even the few women who were reluctant to come initially, later thanked me for the invite!
For the next 9 months, these women were my village. We dropped off meals for one another when someone had a baby or when someone was sick. We explored the local area, went out to brunch, and took walks in the neighborhood. We celebrated the good things and helped each other through the hard days. There were SOS texts and phone calls with cries for help and random questions in the middle of the night, but what mattered was that whenever we called, someone from the group always showed up. No one who was willing to ask for help, was left to fend for themselves.
I know asking for help and making friends sucks. Especially as we get older and continuously move around. We’ve all had at least one bad experience when putting ourselves out there that makes it really hard to want to try again. But I promise, one of the keys from transitioning from surviving to thriving is building a community for yourself wherever you’re at, for the season you’re in.
Some of us still keep in touch. Most of us don’t. I can honestly say throughout my husband’s 8 years in the military, this was one of my favorite seasons, but there’s no way it would be possible if it weren’t for the village we created. I may have been the one to initiate, but each of the other spouses showed up and offered what they had, when they could. Together we made it work.
Here’s the thing though - it was easier to build a village when there was a sense of urgency. And still there were probably 50-60 other spouses who opted not to participate. It was easier to build a village when there was a sense of urgency. Often times in life, that urgency isn’t there. And still there were probably 50-60 other spouses who opted not to participate. I have no idea what that season was like for each of them, and I won’t pretend to know where you’re at or what you’re going through at the moment. I hope you’re doing okay and you’ve already started creating a village wherever you are. But if not, I hope this encourages you to take one step towards starting it today.
Here are a few potential ways to start:
take a small treat (homemade or store bought) with a note & you’re contact info to your neighbors and introduce yourself
post on the local FB group: “I’m going to be at [this place] on this day at this time, would love for you to join me!” or “I really want to check out [this place], would anyone want to go with?”
engage in someone else’s facebook post asking for a friend or for help with xyz
pick one event happening near you and attend
join a gym (or go to the one on base)
have your spouse invite his coworkers/their families over for game night or to meet up for dinner if hosting isn’t your thing
There are two key components to building a village that works:
1. You have to be willing to ask for help and let people show up for you.
2. You have to be willing to offer help and show up for others. Even when it’s not comfortable or easy (convenient).
Move Your Body
Find something that works for you in your current season of life. Maybe it’s literally just standing up more often or walking around inside your house a few more times each day. Maybe finding an activity in your neighborhood, whether that be a run/walk club, a spouse kickball team or even joining a gym. Maybe it’s texting a friend and asking them to meet up for a walk instead of a coffee date to help get you both active.
For me lately, it’s mostly looked like walking and yoga videos on youtube. A few years ago you’d find me doing dance fitness or lifting weights at the gym. There is no one size fits all solution for this. Today you, might not enjoy the same things as past you or future you, but find something that helps you move more. Both your physical health & your mental health will thank you!
Put things on the calendar you can look forward to.
It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small, expensive or free. It just matters that there is something there. Scientific research shows positively anticipating the future is a highly effective way to generate positive emotions and boost well-being. (Source: Psychology Today)
Pick from this list or create your own:
homecoming (obviously)
a meal with friends
a playdate with another family
going to get ice cream (or having a sundae bar at home)
weekly at home movie night
a visit with family
voice memos or a phone call with a friend
I also know I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for therapy. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider asking for help. If you’re located in Tennessee or Kentucky, I highly recommend downloading our app, and signing up with one of our therapists. You can preview their profiles here.
If you’re in a different area or prefer in-person care, check out www.psychologytoday.com. You can filter by location, insurance, topic you want to discuss, gender, etc.