Evolving Wardrobes, Evolving Bonds: Making Time for Friends in Adulthood
I was scrolling through Instagram the other day, and I noticed one of my best friends wearing a dress I’d never seen before. Sounds like a banal observation, right? A person wears new clothes: shocking! However, this unfamiliar denim button-front A-line dress catapulted me into a sea of nostalgia.
There was a time when I had my friends' wardrobes cataloged in my brain- filed somewhere between the preamble to the Constitution that I had to memorize in first grade and my work schedule for the following week. We the people. Black tiered sundress from Urban Outfitters. 11–4 Saturday, 4–close Sunday. It was all hardwired in my head together; absorbed through evenings spent digging through closets before parties and bags stuffed for trips. Every purchase was a team decision. Whether it was combining sale racks together or through messages exchanged while online shopping in lecture halls (pay attention to your professors, kids). Texts were shorthand when we couldn’t get ready together- “too warm for brown Zara?” and answered with “yes, do green Urban”. I could pull up the specific items from the reaches of my brain like my childhood address. I still can.
Well, I could. But now, here is a new sundress, worn on a beach, foreign to me. I suppose it happened a while ago, I can’t pinpoint when. Was it when we all got demanding jobs? When the first of us had a baby? When over half of the group was married? When did time spent together change from from accompanying each other on even the most boring errands (I once went to the dentist with a friend just because) to time having to be carved out weeks in advance from crowded calendars? As John Green said, it happened slowly, and then all at once.
Navigating this new chapter of friendship isn’t always easy. Yet friendship doesn’t vanish because life gets busy. It simply asks for a little more intention. It asks that you show up in new ways, carve out pockets of time, and lean into the small rituals. Because connection isn’t effortless—it’s chosen, over and over again.
Below are some practices that have helped me keep that choice alive, even when our calendars and lifestyles no longer match.
1. Don’t assume
Don’t skip the invite because you think your friend with kids won’t be able to get away- or that they won’t want to bring them. And if you’re the one with the busy schedule or the baby or the partner, don’t assume your single friends wouldn’t enjoy joining you at the park or sitting through a chaotic toddler dance recital. Even if it doesn’t work out every time, just being invited makes a difference. It keeps the door open to being part of each other’s real, full lives.
2. Show Up
Sometimes, after a long week of work, the last thing you want is one more commitment. And rest is crucial. But I’ve found it’s just as important to seize the chances we have to connect. Whether it’s a shower, a birthday party, or a simple coffee catch-up, showing up—really being present—tells your friends, “I’m here, and I’m choosing you.” It’s a small gesture that keeps the space between you alive.
3. Find small ways to stay connected
Even if you can’t be together physically, you can still build connection into your week. Watch the same show. Read the same book. Send voice notes, check-in texts, memes, TikToks, whatever feels natural to you. The mode doesn’t matter—it’s the effort to keep weaving your lives together.