When You Want Someone Else to Change
Have you ever thought to yourself, “It would just be easier if I could make the people around me change?” Sometimes other people’s behavior is bothering us, or perhaps we see their choices and behaviors are harming themselves. But of course, we don’t have that kind of power. We can not change someone else or make them change if they don’t want to.
What happens when we try to change someone else:
Pushing someone to change only creates resistance. It’s science. Remember Newton’s Third Law of Motion that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This means that when one object exerts a force on another, the second object exerts an equal force back on the first object, but in the opposite direction. When you push your husband to be more active, he will sit on the couch even more. We can see this especially in teenagers, and this is developmentally appropriate at the life stage. They are trying to find their autonomy, their choice. With adults, it has the opposite outcome you desire. Pushing someone to change when they don’t want to will only back-fire on you. They will likely become defensive, create distance, or develop patterns of avoidance and hiding.
It becomes a battle for control. Whether conscious or unconscious, it’s a standoff—pursuer vs retreat-er dynamics. Humans life control, or even just the feeling of control. Feeling like you are in control of your life helps you feel safe. Same for everyone else, they want to be in control of their life, choices, behaviors too.
Here’s the catch, when you pushing/pressuring, you're threatening their control. This puts you and the other person in a battle for control.
Humans are hard-wired to avoid pain. The survival instinct is keen to keep us safe, protected, away from danger and in our world today, even just comfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Uncertain. Change requires some level of discomfort and sometimes pain. Often you will receive resistance when someone doesn't want to change. They are resisting you but really they are resisting the pain. But! You become the object of the pain they are avoiding by pushing them, which creates more resistance.
But, I do have some good news:
We can influence them. Use your behavior to inspire them - not pressure them. We are social people, influenced by the people around us; Everything is contagious. For better or worse, everything is contagious: https://youtu.be/1veWbLpGa78?feature=shared
We can change ourselves. Own your own agency — when you realized you do have control over your life — focus on what you can control: yourself. Take care of yourself.
Engage differently. Give them something different to respond to. Set boundaries.
