Attachment Styles, Part 2: Disorganized Attachment…a Roller Coaster Ride You Never Bought Tickets For
A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the different attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. I intentionally saved the fourth style, disorganized attachment, for it’s own blog because it felt big enough for a longer post and extra focus on it’s unique qualities.
Have you ever found yourself pulling someone in close, only to push them away the second they get too close? Or maybe you've noticed you crave intimacy but also fear it deeply, almost instinctively? That emotional tug-of-war might not just be “bad luck” in relationships, it could be the result of a disorganized attachment style.
Let’s talk about what that means, where it comes from, and how it plays out in real life.
What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment is like emotional whiplash. It’s one of the four main attachment styles (the others being secure, anxious, and avoidant, see a previous blog for more), and it tends to show up when a person has experienced inconsistent, chaotic, frightening, or traumatic caregiving early in life.
It’s called “disorganized” because the inner wiring around love, trust, and safety doesn’t follow a clear pattern. The person might want closeness but also fear it. They might reach for intimacy while simultaneously preparing to be hurt by it. They might have previous experiences in which love and nurturing they received was not consistent or reliable. In turn, the need for love and nurturing is still there, but the safety to reach out for it is broken because of past inconsistencies. Or perhaps worse, attempts for connection and love were met with criticism or rejection. It’s like the gas and brake pedals are being hit at the same time.
Where Does It Comes From?
In many cases, disorganized attachment starts in childhood. If a caregiver was a source of fear rather than safety (due to abuse, neglect, unpredictability, or emotional unavailability) a child can’t form a secure way of relating. Imagine a young child (or anyone really) trying to bond with someone they’re also afraid of. It creates an internal conflict: “I need you, but I’m scared of you.”
This confusion grows up with us, often showing up in adult relationships, especially romantic relationship.
How It Shows Up in Adult Relationships:
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you might notice these patterns:
Intense relationships that swing between passion and panic
Difficulty trusting, even if you want to
Pushing people away when things get “too good”
Fear of abandonment, yet also a fear of being too close
A tendency to self-sabotage
Feeling like love is unsafe, but being drawn to it anyway
Sound familiar? You’re not broken. You’re responding to old emotional blueprints that were written during survival mode.
How to Move From Disorganized Attachment to Secure Attachment:
Healing emotional and relational wounds from the past can help develop a more secure attachment style. Healing starts with awareness and a lot of self-compassion.
Therapy: Process through the past with a trained professional. Especially trauma-informed therapy like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or inner child work.
Mindfulness and self-awareness: Learning to pause before reacting, especially when you feel triggered.
Safe relationships: People who are consistent, calm, and trustworthy can help “re-wire” your nervous system over time.
Psychoeducation: Understanding attachment styles can be incredibly empowering. You’re not “too much” or “too sensitive,” you’re adapting to past pain.
