Nothing Is Personal

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” - Don Miguel Ruiz

I once had a supervisor say, “nothing is personal” when co-leading a therapy group together. Initially that statement caught me off guard. I was new into my clinical career and knew he was more experienced than me, but I wasn’t sure I agreed with him. I could think of many times someone’s words or actions toward me felt very personal. I thought about it for a few weeks and did some research about this idea. Over these few weeks I came to understand the significant meaning of this statement: someone else’s behavior is a reflection of their own reality, their beliefs, wounds, stress, values or insecurities. It is absolutely not a measure of our worth.

Watch for negative thoughts of personalization, a cognitive distortion when we blame themselves for events outside of our control or take responsibility for someone else actions. It's a distorted way of thinking that can fuel anxiety, guilt, and low self-esteem.

Examples:

• "The meeting was not very productive because I didn't contribute enough."

• "My partner is in a bad mood; I must have done something wrong."

In the event we have a part to play in a difficult situation or interaction, we need to take responsibility for our part. But only our part. Just as others are responsible for their behavior, beliefs, reactions, etc, so am I of my behavior, beliefs and reactions, etc.

Next time you feel hurt or offended, try pausing and asking: Is this really about me? Chances are, it’s not. And in that space of awareness, you’ll find peace — not because the world is gentler, but because you’ve chosen to be.

Want more on this? I recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This is the book I read during those 3 weeks I was digesting this statement. Enjoy!